Although I Know My Opinion Was Well Known

Grandmother died. I have accepted this fact but I will miss her. She had been sick for many years so as a family we had many opportunities to show her love and kindness. She seemed to endure the dying process although it was years coming and she was mostly confined to her home. She was also strong because she had lived alone and depended on friends and family to do many things for her.

There was also something for which I am not very proud. I did not regularly visit after she made it clear she did not want to move out of her home into an assisted living facility and let her youngest daughter move back home. This was in September of last year. Although I knew that if Grandma needed something I was available this change made me sad and distant. This was a situation where the daughter was still dependent on Grandma. This decision was made in secret and since I was not considered it did not matter what I thought. Although I know my opinion was well known. The daughter was not willing to take charge of the home and did not cook. I did help get the house ready and I helped with the move.

I was stubborn and did not visit much after that. Greg, my partner visited every Thursday and fixed breakfast and did some light cleaning and repairs. He had been doing this since May of last year after he was laid off. Grandma really enjoyed those visits. On the day Grandma died I was there with her and I told her that it was ok to let go. I spoke it and thought it as I held her hand and put our foreheads together. She was praying and I was saying my mantra. I have known she was struggling to do the best she could for all of her children but she was very tired. I was absolutely overjoyed as she held her head up and looked me in the eye and smiled. She said goodbye and asked us to be strong. I continued to tell her to let go and that we would be ok and we love her. It was a moment I learned a lot about life and death.

Ongoing Concern

I am worried about my time left on earth. I guess "worried" is not the correct word to use. I am hard pressed for the correct word. The feeling I have is concern that although I am relatively happy, I am immersed in a world that always wants to make things better. Unfortunately, those things are not my wisdom or consciousness but material things. I know I have made progress in letting go of material things but I pause to take further steps that could continue to remove me from material influences. When I look at my job and how much time it takes of my day, I get discouraged. I often wonder if I have the ability to really change or do more for myself or other people. I know the pull of my past experiences continue to influence me and take me away from the present moment. I must forgive myself and accept the present. The struggle I feel is doing so may aid in a shorter life for me.