last day in america 2005

On the last day of the year I would like to send a shout out to myself; the myself of everything. Through a wholesome breath, take refuge in just being. That is all.

kayaking the eno - taking a break

One Saturday on a quick decision we took a kayak trip upstream north of Pleasant Green. Loading up the boats our neighbor Esther yelled across the road that it was supposed to rain. We said that's OK but I had hoped she was mistaken. We paddled for a mile or so and reached a nice stretch of shallow water with a mild rapid we could not go through. So we got out of the boat and took a look around and took some pictures. As we headed back downstream the rain came. It was a good hard rain. All we could do was continue to paddle. It was very moving to be on the water in the rain. It was very peaceful, beautiful and fun.

Huge Tree Trunk

A warm winter day in the sun. I wandered near a drought stricken lake to see what i could discover. I found a huge tree trunk that had an opening to the inner earth. I peered in curious and a bit cautious of the unknown. I found a whole world inside. I could live there.

Sit : Put in the time

sit_in_robe
Originally uploaded by menshi mihas.

I had to travel to Norway last week. I expected to sit during this time. It did not happen.

It is a matter of practice. I need to put in the time.
Always.

Peace and love,

hari-j

Pose of Acceptance

Child's Pose
Originally uploaded by menshi mihas.

Acceptance of what is is at issue at this time. I had put a lot of effort into "just letting go". Why effort? I had accepted logically but not physically. I understand how the breath connects the two and through that connection all issues are lost.

hari j : in shadow

hari j : in shadow
Originally uploaded by menshi mihas.

The weather changed.
Cool winds dry my skin.
I feel my lips crackle and try to forget the feeling.
If I lick them they will feel worse.
I move my mind to something else.

hari j : looking forward

profile
Originally uploaded by menshi mihas.

At this moment, I am looking forward.

I stand upon the earth and just be.

I feel my journey taking a turn.

Sunglass Clip Lost/Found

8:30 AM We debated whether to attend the Cary Diwali today because temperatures are expected to climb to 82 degrees. With cloudless skies, this was a good day for paddling.

10:00 AM We decided to go to the Diwali in the afternoon. We had 2nd breakfast and moved about the house and garden.

I needed shoes so we stopped and looked for some. I had hoped to buy today but nothing was reasonable. I only looked at one store but that was enough for me. I decided I would re-examine what I have and work something out. I want to maintain good feet but It is very expensive to buy good shoes.

3:00 PM We leave the Streets of Southpoint for Cary.

3:45 PM We get to the Diwali at the Regency park amphitheatre.

4:45 PM We are outta there. No live music during the day. We did not want to hang with not much going on. There were fireworks at 8:00 PM; hours away.

4:50 PM I am driving down the road I ask Greg for my sunglass clip. We do not have it. It is back at Diwali; I hope. We turn around.

4:57 PM I get out at VIP parking; Greg drives on. I go back to the last place I remember having the sunglass clip. I see the table but no clip. There is a box on the table. This is the table for registration for the raffle. I look behind the box. There is a presentation going on under the tent. People fill the tent. I see the clip behind the box. They found and saved it for the owner. A gentleman sees me grab the clip and I explain. He smiles and I go on my way with gratitude.

5:05 PM We ride. I was disapointed. I was expecting live music. There was none. Greg thought the food was expensive. He loved the mango drinks though. The food was expensive but delicious.

Putting forth the effort

I have been struggling lately with putting forth the effort. I have noticed this in many aspects of my day. There are times when I feel I am rolling along doing what needs to be done and then there are other times when I know there are things to be done and I avoid them. A funny thing occurred today. A person I do not know helped me with my effort and action. I had a couple of recyclable printer toner cartridges near my waste container. They had been sitting there for a few weeks. Everyday I would say I will order replacements and recycle the used ones tomorrow. With this attitude, tomorrow was not coming even after three weeks. Today I had a note, it said, "Is this a trash? From Housekeeper" This note moved me to action. It helped me realize my current mode of procrastination. I am truly grateful for this note and I saved it as a reminder to "just do it."

As Summer winds down and the kids go back to school, could I do something different? I imagine many are excited based on the pattern of our education system in America. It is the time to get new clothes, school supplies and gear up for the fall sports season. Well now, all of this is also related to consumerism. I took advantage of a tax-free weekend to purchase a computer because my old one was stolen. So for that, I participated in the fervor. I waited 45 minutes in line to get my chance to save $70. I watched as my community chatted and some impatiently, to get their orders filled. I saw how I had changed from needing the best I could buy to only wanting the bare bones. Somehow, I was selected by a handsome gentleman manager type who asked how long my wait had been. He did not ask anyone else but those around me stopped talking to hear my reply. Next I was making my final purchase. Nine hundred dollars cash for a small device to stay connected to "the electronice world" but it was a big step for me. One step on my spiritual path not different at face value but peel back the layers of American conditioning and you will see the difference.

menshi mihas photography

My employment has changed and that change has not allowed me much time to log the many thoughts that have passed through my mind lately. If I allow myself to look back, I do not remember much that I would like to log. I take that as a good thing. It means I am not holding on to thoughts and allowing them to be the drama of my current moment. You may say, "what about logging at home?" Well my home was invaded and my computer was taken away. Instead of hurrying to by a new one, I enjoyed the freedom from the demands of having a computer and blessed the thieves.

I did not replace the computer for two weeks. The old one was 4 years old and the new one has a lot of advantages for my artistic work. What a blessing to receive.

http://menshi.myftp.org

I have laid low on my posting. I guess it does not matter because I do not think I have a readership. Do I want to have a readership? I don't know. If I were to have a readership, I would want to keep them happy with a regular posting. Who likes checking back to see what is new only to find there is nothing new? I know I don't. However, if one is checking daily for something new or even more frequently who is to say someone must keep up with that kind of demand.

Posting a new daily photograph at our website is my responsibility. Doing that job on a daily basis if enough for me. I guess if I did not work on a computer all day I might be more interested in doing something with a computer when I get home. Once I get home, I want to meditate and just "be". Our garden is in bloom and it is a great place to be without any pressure or expectations to do or go anywhere. I enjoy enjoying it.

It's Hot Here

It's hot here at work. At many moments during the day I wondered if was to survive. I will not have another chance to do this day over. I know there is middle ground but my mind is out of control. I have not had a sitting meditation in a few days and I have been allowing myself too much news. Today I sweated all day long. I am headed home for a bath. I have company coming by. This will help to decompress this week. Tomorrow is another day. I hope to find peace in the garden.

Yoga

So small and yet so large a word or better yet a meaning of something indefinite but doable by all.

To Do Something Else

I'm dealing with a dilemma. I have only two more days left in my gym membership and I don't think it is in my best interest to renew. I think I can save that money but I will miss my lunchtime workouts. Gym workouts seem to clash with yoga practice. I really enjoy yoga practice and the gym, especially the gym I go to now, is not so fun. Only thing I know my gym worklouts keeps my weight down. So I will have to do something else. I think I will do some cost analysis of gyms that are local to home and maybe workout in the evenings and weekends. Maybe try and find a gym that has yoga. Nah, that is silly. What a dilemma?

Vital to Buddhist Practice

I have had a lot of opportunities lately to do some activities related to spirituality. Some of these events have been book readings, meditation trainings and retreats. I find I would initially have interest but the interest would wane as the event neared and I would not go. I rationalize not attending by saying I do not have the time, money or energy after a long workday. The truth is that the commitment to an event seems to bring up feelings of attachment. After I have done so much work to let go of attachments, I don’t want to mess up what I have accomplished. Then I ponder that I have neglected building or joining a sangha that is vital to Buddhist practice. I fear the building of new relationships will take time away from my practice. I have to trust that my truth will work its way out.

To Filter The Air

In North Carolina we are winding down on the pollen season. It is the end of the Pine tree pollen that gets on everything outdoors and coats it with a thick yellow dust. There are other tree pollens during this time so we have the yellow dust and clumpy brownish plops and strands of prickly pollen covering anything outdoors. Persons allergic to these pollens must stay indoors as much as possible to filter the air they breathe. For most of my life I have not been affected by tree pollen.

Last year I started feeling the effects of the pollens and was prescribed medication. With the medication there was only mild relief and a trade-off of symptoms. I had heard about a nasal wash called a Neti Pot. This Neti Pot works by flushing out the nasal passages with a mild saline solution. It really cleans out your head. It is very easy to use and is inexpensive. You do some easy yoga poses to complete the nasal flush. For mild suffers of pollen or dry nasal passages, this Eastern remedy works. It works as the rain we are having today is washing away the pollens outdoors as we step into May, the second month of spring.

Been This Way

Ever since we had to change the time on our clocks to be in sync with everyone else, I have been out of my normal self. I cannot put my finger on what exactly is the problem. If I analyze how I feel, I get a simple answer; I am tired. I am pushing myself to do what I have to do instead of just doing it without resistance. For the entire month of April, I have been this way. I am lingering in bed after I get awakened by my alarm instead of just getting up and enjoying the day. At the end of the day I am dragging. I know my patience is lower and I have stepped off my spiritual path a bit. I take this will pass soon.

A Gem In My Day

All this week I have been taking walks enjoying the outside. On Monday I was outside because I had to change the tire on my truck. I had run over some metal part of the car ahead of me on the freeway driving to work. I made it to work ok but after two hours the tire was flat. On Tuesday and Thursday I walked the nature trails near work stopping to take photographs at some unique spots. On Wednesday I went to the Christian Thrift Store, Dorcas. They have lots of things for sale. I picked up 3 hardback books, some underwear, some graphic paper and a graphic paper cutter. Today I went the NC Surplus Store but I only got dirty. If I needed to furnish an office this is the place to go. They have tons of furniture and filing cabinets that are in great condition. I did not buy anything although I was tempted. I then went over to Little India. There I checked out a Indian grocery store but only looked around. I did not recognize most of the food so I thought about all of the possibilities of culinary discovery. I walked around window shopping until I found a store of fashion and gifts, Kalashri. This store was great! All of the merchandise was from India. I was the only customer at this time and I got personal service from a pretty woman dressed in a beautiful pink dress. I bought an outfit, a Buddha statue 100 years old, two little Ganesha statues and some incense. The woman also liked me and gave me a 10% discount. Was I present during all of this? In hindsight I think I was because I can clearly remember it to write it down for this journal.

Some Mind Control

Last evening I was supposed to go with my partner Greg to a birthday dinner for Berm at the Thai Palace. When I got home from work, Greg was not there. I thought he may be visiting with Caroline so I called her house but there was no answer. I did not leave a message. I waited 15 minutes but he did not show, so to be on time I had to leave. As I drove to the restaurant, there were a few times I had to remind myself that all was ok. Because it was ok what ever it was.

I was the better for remembering and was not worried or disturbed at the dinner. I had a great time. Berm, who is from Thailand, was in great spirits and helped everyone with their food choices. He and our server spoke Thai and I picked up a few phrases myself. Once the dinner was over I was not worried on the drive home and once I got home Greg was there. He was mad at himself for missing the dinner but he was ok and I was ok.

If I had not had some mind control that one gets from mindfulness practice, I would have been nervous at dinner and would have asked to use someone's cell phone and all that foolishness. I don't have a cell phone for a reason. In my opinion, a cell phone is a luxury not a necessity and I do not wish to be so accessible. As I was typing this log a cell phone rang at the desk behind me. Its owner has gone home for the day. I guess he unconsciously decided to be inaccessible today.

In the White Space

I just took a weekend retreat from the news this past weekend. On Monday, I found myself engrossed checking the papers online for any important stories I may have missed. I should have waited a few more days becaue the big story of Congress reconvening to put its stamp on the feeding tube case just got my goat. I was somewhat shocked by the overt hypocrisy. Does anyone believe Congress and the President are sympathetic for these two parents who suffer over their adult child who has been brain dead for 15 years? I do not.

Here we have the Legislative and the Executive branches of the national government working overtime on a bill that affects only one family. How much money did it cost to keep the government open over the weekend, fly members of Congress and Air Force One back to Washington, to debate and then vote on the bill that was signed at 1:30 AM on Monday? Congress as a collective body has turned its back on thousands of human lives killed for the so called "war on terror".

Congressional leaders showed their greedy pencil vision over the weekend pandering to a simple-minded few who seem to learn their lessons from Sunday services and the television. These faithful but powerful few then scoff at other intellectual thought. I gather there are many in this group who are more concerned with the state of this woman whom they do not know, than with their own family's health; in fact I'm sure of it. These are the same few who support killing through war, capital punishment and gun freedom then storm the doors of Wal-Mart exploiting the worlds poor.

After my weekend retreat away from the news and other negative stimuli, I thought of a way to describe my life. I am one who lives in the white space of a double-spaced paragraph. It is somewhat boring but essential to the whole.

Takes Commitment and Resolve

I know I can get caught up when I go window shopping on the computer. I was doing some reading at Buddhanet and I had this great idea to get a larger Buddha statue for the meditation room. There is a small one in the room now that is suffient but of course my untrained mind went looking on the internet. This led to an onslaught of information I did not need and some craving I did not need. I saw some beautiful Buddha statues I could not afford and for what? After a web page loaded that was full of advertising and flashing colors I thought what am I doing and I regained control. I could try to blame this on something I learned today about meditation but that would be wrong. I know you don't need anything special for your mediation practice. It was just another example of my western conditioning to be a wasteful consumer. To fight the impulse takes commitment and resolve and I did it today.

Another Lesson in Acceptance

What makes something hard to do? I look at things that I don't want to do as "hard to do". I feel these are things I have to do but I don't want to do them. So I ask, why do I feel I have to do them? It must be the conditioning I have received. The pressures from society and the onslaught of marketing that have created an unconsciousness that leads to internal conflict. Such as, I want to love everybody and see them as a part of myself but I still allow people to piss me off.

I have made progress but my anxiousness still bubbles up from time to time. Oh. This must be another lesson in acceptance. I just needed to write it down. I can and do accept it. So really I do not have to do anything. Every moment is a choice and if I am truly present I will make the right choice for that moment. Through right action I can undo the conditioning I believe has made it imperative not to be present in our lives.

I Have a Notion

I have spent the past hour or so reading about the artist Gregory Colbert. I am fascinated by what he is able to do. His experience is amazing and speaks of finding truth in what you do with your life. It started with an article about his new exhibit at Pier 54 in NYC that was in the NY Times today. From there I wanted to see some of his work so I searched and found plenty to read and see. The temporary museum built of recyclable materials and shipping containers is terrific. I have a notion to go visit some friends in NYC and take in the exhibit. Who knows maybe we will get to meet Colbert and share our story. We could even end up on the next exhibition with Colbert to live with elephants and meditate. Unfortunately, as with so many things these days, there is a gentle hand that holds at bay those who can not pay.

I Went With It

Over the weekend, I attended three yoga classes. I had only planned to attend one class on Friday morning. This class was great. It set me up for a peaceful day at work. Greg and I agreed to meet for another class the next day.

On Saturday, the yoga class was full with 20 people compared to Friday’s class of five in the same space. It was clearly a different experience with a heightened energy. The music during class was by the Maharaj-ji inspired artist Krishna Das. His music is wonderful for yoga. I love it. Bryan, the yoga teacher, let me borrow the cd as long as I came to Sunday’s class to bring it back. So riding home we had Krishna Das lead us in kirtan that kept the mood peaceful and free.

Then on Sunday, there were only four students. This class was very different because it began with a meditation and ended with a meditation. The class lasted for two hours when only one hour was scheduled. The energy this day was very special and I went with it. Doing our asanas with our backs to the circle was a change that worked for me. I felt more at ease looking at the wall even though I keep my eyes softly closed during practice. We all got to focus on our core energy rather than on the inabilities of our physical bodies. We were in the moment and although we all seemed to suffer from a bit of congestion or cold, we found stillness and peace.

Although I Know My Opinion Was Well Known

Grandmother died. I have accepted this fact but I will miss her. She had been sick for many years so as a family we had many opportunities to show her love and kindness. She seemed to endure the dying process although it was years coming and she was mostly confined to her home. She was also strong because she had lived alone and depended on friends and family to do many things for her.

There was also something for which I am not very proud. I did not regularly visit after she made it clear she did not want to move out of her home into an assisted living facility and let her youngest daughter move back home. This was in September of last year. Although I knew that if Grandma needed something I was available this change made me sad and distant. This was a situation where the daughter was still dependent on Grandma. This decision was made in secret and since I was not considered it did not matter what I thought. Although I know my opinion was well known. The daughter was not willing to take charge of the home and did not cook. I did help get the house ready and I helped with the move.

I was stubborn and did not visit much after that. Greg, my partner visited every Thursday and fixed breakfast and did some light cleaning and repairs. He had been doing this since May of last year after he was laid off. Grandma really enjoyed those visits. On the day Grandma died I was there with her and I told her that it was ok to let go. I spoke it and thought it as I held her hand and put our foreheads together. She was praying and I was saying my mantra. I have known she was struggling to do the best she could for all of her children but she was very tired. I was absolutely overjoyed as she held her head up and looked me in the eye and smiled. She said goodbye and asked us to be strong. I continued to tell her to let go and that we would be ok and we love her. It was a moment I learned a lot about life and death.

Ongoing Concern

I am worried about my time left on earth. I guess "worried" is not the correct word to use. I am hard pressed for the correct word. The feeling I have is concern that although I am relatively happy, I am immersed in a world that always wants to make things better. Unfortunately, those things are not my wisdom or consciousness but material things. I know I have made progress in letting go of material things but I pause to take further steps that could continue to remove me from material influences. When I look at my job and how much time it takes of my day, I get discouraged. I often wonder if I have the ability to really change or do more for myself or other people. I know the pull of my past experiences continue to influence me and take me away from the present moment. I must forgive myself and accept the present. The struggle I feel is doing so may aid in a shorter life for me.

I saw what I consider to be a great film last night, "Brother to Brother". I consider it great because it was enjoyable without any struggle from beginning to end. Yes there are many films that fit into that description so it is one of many but only in that general sense. It was unique in subject matter. The relationship between an older artist and a younger artist is conveyed through stories of the past and new experiences showing a parallel struggle. I would like to talk more about the subject matter but I also think it is a wonderful surprise as the characters are revealed in the film. If you know the style of the metaphysical octahedron, then relate his style to the film. Unfortunately, my internet search did not reveal any information about an upcoming DVD. There is a trailer available.

IMDB info on "Brother to Brother"

I have been sweating at work all day today. We are experiencing bad weather. It seems odd that I would call 70 degress bad weather. It is January, in the middle of Winter, this is why I feel it is bad weather. I am sweating in a building with the heat on. This has been going on for two weeks. My summer dress shirts are packed away. I do not see the lesson in this but I am positive it is here. I guess my focus could go towards other things especially as I feel discomfort. I see the wisdom in that but I just want to get out of these hot clothes and cool off. Does my mind tell me it is hot or my body? Hmmm.

On a side note I see others are trying out audio blogging. Ha. Crazy huh? I have a microphone. Do I dare? Hmmm. I could do it my way.

Today as I got out of Greg's truck at work, I opened the back door to get my things. The bag with a glass bottle of water and my lunch and snacks fell to the hard concrete. The bottle of water broke and it spilled over everything. Looking back on that moment now at my desk, I did not get angry or upset but went about doing what was needed to clean up and save what I could. I logged on to Tricycle and found the passage below.

Insight Meditation
Joseph Goldstein

Munindra-ji used to say that in spiritual pracitce, time is not a factor. Practice cannot be measured in time, so let go of the whole notion of when and how long. The practice is a process unfolding, and it unfolds in its own time. It is like the flowers that grow in the spring. Do you pull them up to make them grow faster? I once tried to do that with carrots in my first garden when I was eight years old. It does not work. We do not need any particular length of time for this process of letting things be.

Practice Practice Practice
by Jerry Harris

I have stepped up my practice to incorporate more time to my practice. I like to start my day with a morning sitting. These morning sittings are occuring often and I see my practice as something I do throughout the day. I used to feel difficultly because I could not allow myself the occasionaly lapse without feeling guilty. The guilty aspect would then foster more guilt and procrastination to the point my mind is out of control. What drama. Drama is so engulfed in our lives in America. The "they" of America want us engulfed because with drama we are careless consumers of stuff to create more suffering and oh well...drama.